Darika answers questions about sexuality

Almost one year ago I met a gorgeous guy and fell in love quickly. He has a brilliant education, comes from a good family, has impeccable social skills and has more money than I do. He is twelve years younger, which I especially like. He is perfect in every respect except for one thing. He is 110% top. In the beginning I consented to be on the bottom just because I like the guy so much. What I have not told him is that I am 90% top myself, don’t enjoy getting ploughed every night, and that I dream of flipping him over onto his back. This isn’t going to last. Help!

Darika hears you loud and clear. My second husband was very Methodist. Well in to his eighties he used to poke me with that miserable thing of his every single night absent even a pretense of foreplay. He died and left me money, which I doubt is the outcome you are hoping for.

In my experience, “topness” is state of mind and a routine, a bad habit if you will. But habits can be broken. Your friend may not react as positively as I have to a frank explanation of your concern, so why not say that your hemorrhoids are acting up and that you want to please him in new and different ways. While most men love to believe they are really creative in the sack, Darika has met precious few who do not follow the same script over and over. So why not change the script, darling? Costumes? Toys? Porno movies? Sharing a third partner who you can both top? Don’t do anything the same time twice. Once you sense he is feeling liberated, he might enjoy what you can do with a lubricated finger, and that could lead to an amazing self-discovery for him. I remember my first time fondly. He might be grateful some day that you gave him his. On the other hand, it might mean an ugly break-up. You have to decide whether having his legs around your neck is worth the gamble.


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dingbat

Darika,

Several months ago my Thai BF bought a vibrator when we were on holiday in California. We have been together for more than five years and to tell you the truth sex has not been all that exciting, so I decided to accept this with an open mind. Although I have found it an annoying addition to our love life, he has quite a bit of fun with it, so I never complained.

Bop (not his real name) just returned from a work-related trip to Europe and came home with a new selection of “toys,” including clamps, plugs, rings, leather straps and even a pair of handcuffs. Sex has suddenly become something of a carnival. The bed is so full of gadgets that sex is not an intimate experience any more. Bop is a country boy and very traditional. I never expected to see him become so attached to what my mother used to call "marital aids." Honestly, I feel like I am being subjected to something that I do not enjoy. Is this just a phase? What can I do?

The use of “marital aids” is not as unusual as you might think, particularly for couples who have been together for a while and are looking to spice up their love life. What is unusual in your case is that you are being forced to participate against your will. It is very naughty of your BF to introduce these novelties without your permission. And it was pretty stupid, sweetie, for you not speaking up to let him know that this was acceptable and that you do not enjoy his toys.

The fact that you have written me leads me to believe that your relationship has more going for it than just sex and that you intend to stay together. In your position I would introduce some fantasy toys of your own to the bedroom. Buy some cheap lingerie and cosmetics at Chatuchak, tell him that it really, really turns you on, and insist that he wear it. Fruit also makes fun toys, although I would be very careful with durian. Show him some erotic tricks you can do with a banana or a zucchini. But the best new sex toy of all could be someone named Lek, who is about nineteen and knows what exactly how to please you. You could use the handcuffs and leather straps to tie up your BF so he can watch as Lek decorates you with chocolate sauce and whipped cream, then licks it off before you give him your own version of dessert. Carefully position the vibrator so Mr. BF gets maximum enjoyment while he watches.

If this sounds too messy, you could just talk to him. He can have plenty of fun with his toys when he plays alone. But you want your sex the gold ‘ol Methodist way.

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dingbat

Darika,

I have had oral sex with a stranger man. At that time my mouth was hurth but no blood inside my mouth. (My wound look like white spot in the middle but it's pain when you have food or drink water). So he cum in my mouth and I spit it out after he cum immediately. I just worried about HIV. Do you I think I'm risk to be a HIV if he was AIDS? or how many percent for my risk? Can you pls. give me suggestion ? I can not sleep and sad all the time. Thanks for your advice in the next future

Thank you for writing to Darika. I am very sorry for all your worry.

It is difficult but not impossible to get HIV from oral sex. If you have open sores, bleeding gums, or cuts of any kind, it is possible to become infected if your sex partner is HIV positive--even if he does not come in your mouth. I have even heard suggestions that you should not have oral sex after you brush your teeth because it is possible that the skin inside your mouth may have very tiny scratches or cuts. If you have been exposed to HIV it will probably be several months before an HIV test has positive results.

Oral sex is not completely safe and HIV is not the only disease you can get from unprotected sex. There are many others, including gonorrhea, syphilis, thrush, chlymidia and others. Since you have a "white spot" that is painful, you need to see a doctor as soon as possible. It sounds like something that can be treated easily as long as you do not wait a long time before you see get treatment.

It will do you no good for you to worry or to lose sleep. You will only make your health worse. In the future, however, I hope you will use a condom. Darika likes the chocolate-flavored condoms best. Of course, Darika loves any kind of candy covered with chocolate.

Love, Darika

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dingbat

Dear Darika,

I know the following will lower your opinion of me and you will think I have a one-track mind, but I have no-one else to ask about my little problem. I have just been overcome with what I understand is a very common condition called tempero-mandibular joint syndrome.  I can only open my mouth about an inch, but no further. My doctor says it will take a few months for the muscles in my jaw to relax, but in the meantime I can only put things in my mouth if they are no wider than one inch.  This is hugely embarrassing in my sex life, because how can I judge who is wider than one inch and who is narrower? You will not believe me, I know, but this is a genuine request.

-- Alexander in Arangabad

Dear Alexander,

First, Darika is distressed to learn that you are temporarily unable to indulge in a pastime that obviously gives you a lot of pleasure. I wish you a speedy recovery.

You are asking if there is a way to tell what is inside the package before you unwrap it. Take it from Darika's extensive clinical experience, all the myths about big (or small) fingers, feet or other attributes usually have nothing to do with the size of the prize. Believing that Big Nose = Big Hose will lead you to nothing but disappointment. Darika has undertaken an extensive survey of a great many (OK. Maybe it's in the hundreds.) police officers here. While they all wear the same glorious uniform, what lies beneath is usually something unexpected. The greatest surprises come to foreigners who believe that all Asians have only a dainty little treasure.

A period of abstinence and contemplation may help your muscles to return to normal. If that is not an option, this would be a good time to explore alternative ways to please yourself and those who you wish to please. Instead of limiting yourself to partners who are not automatically eliminated by your malady, use your imagination and try something new. You would be surprised what fun new things you and your partner can learn in a bath tub full of yoghurt, with toys that vibrate, or even in the last car on the subway train.

Good fun and good health, Darika

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Dear Darika,

I often enjoy going to saunas for relaxation, to meet friends and to have a little sex. I am a busy professional person and not interested in having a boyfriend. I think I know as much about safe sex as most people. Lately there are no condoms in the saunas. That makes me a bit worried about my own health risks. What’s going on? - “Wut”

Khun Wut,

Saunas have become targets of conservative politicians who believe they are full of drugs and prostitutes. Unfortunately, when saunas are raided condoms become evidence that “improper” activity is taking place, so sauna owners no longer want to assume the risk that goes with giving them away to their customers. You are wise to think about the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases. Some health professionals estimate that up to 17% of Thailand’s gay and bisexual men are now infected with the HIV virus. Darika hopes that officials and sauna owners will both reexamine their policies because they are all taking responsibility for making a bad problem worse. The alternative to saunas is for you to stay at home and masturbate. Darika doubts that this will happen. If you can afford to go to a sauna you can afford to take a condom or two with you.

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Pa Darika

My problem is very simple. Almost every time I ride in a taxi I become sexually aroused. This is more than just feeling horny, I usually get an erection and touch myself. Then I start talking with the driver and within a few minutes I find myself inviting him to have sex with me. Normally the drivers I choose are young and not so bad looking. However, sometimes they are not. When I am successful I usually take them to my room. But last night on my way home from MBK my driver and I stopped in a small, dark soi and I took care of him in the taxi. It was really exciting! Sometimes I am very surprised by my own behavior, although I admit that the danger involved makes me want to do this even more. My problem is that I am only a poor student and I can not afford to take taxis very often. How can I stop?  - Plamuk from Phitsanulok

Khun Plamuk,

Sex is 90% imagination and 10% friction. You have what farang call a “fetish,” meaning an object or activity that makes you feel sexy. We all have a fetish of one kind or another, whether it is tall, slim, young men, chubby middle-aged farang, bicycle seats, or sexy underpants. Some people—and you are obviously one of them—are aroused by something more unusual. Uniforms of all kinds are common fetishes. Some horny Japanese pay a lot of money for underpants that have been worn for one week without being washed. Other common fetishes include chocolate and handcuffs. You are not the first and only man to be excited by taxi drivers. Fetishes are not just for gays. Everyone has or had a fetish of one kind or another. It is no secret that Darika likes her boyfriend to dress up like a Bangkok traffic cop. I really love the part when he wants 200 baht and I can not pay.

You are very wise to recognize the danger in what you are doing. Some taxi drivers will not like what you offer very much. It is well know that some drivers carry weapons, so you might end up floating in a klong somewhere if you are not careful. Other than short term psychiatric help, my only suggestion is that you find a regular taxi driver to enjoy your fantasies with (and perhaps to give you a free ride home). Otherwise, find a friend who is willing to help you play “naughty taxi driver” at home. Darika will gladly teach him how to overcharge you, pull the hairs out of his chin with two one-baht coins, and spit onto the pavement when you are stopped in traffic.

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