Dear Darika, Bet you have never heard a story like mine before. I have been living with a guy in (it does not matter) for the past three years. We can call him "Lin." We are in love with each other. He asks me for very little. We both have good jobs. Our domestic partnership could not be better. He irons. I cook. We still have a pretty great sex life. Lin recently returned from a lengthy visit to his family, who live in a village about three hours away. Within hours of his return he announced that he will be getting married. His parents have chosen a girl who they think is suitable. He does not seem to be particularly upset at this turn of events, even if it means he will have to move back to his village and become a farmer and produce a bunch of kids. It is clear that he thinks he has no choice. I am devastated. I want him to do what he thinks is best for himself and his future. However, I feel that I have invested heavily in our relationship and am entitled to a vote. By the way, I have met his family several times and they fully understand our relationship. Please tell me what to do.
First of all it is worth noting for my readers that you are living in a neighboring country that is considered less developed than Thailand. Second, I have heard this story many, many times and it always upsets me. One thing that concerns me immediately is that Lin seems unable to explain his choice and his apparently unwillingness to seek your counsel. Yes, you are entitled to a vote. In fact, you have an obligation to speak your mind. I hope that my modest advice will help prepare you to do so. For generations people like Lin's parents have arranged the marriages of their children. The fact that he already has a relationship with you is completely irrelevant in their minds. This is what parents do in order to have grandchildren and to insure that their child has someone to take care of them when they grow old. Let me tell you the story of one of my dearest friends who was forced into an arranged marriage two years ago. We talked at length about what he was being forced to do, but eventually caved in to his parents' wishes. Things went badly from the beginning. He did not last long in the village life and quickly returned to the city, where he still lives. Although he is only in his twenties, he took certain blue pills in order to fulfill his monthly sexual obligation. That ended a year ago with the birth of a child, who lives with his wife and his parents in the village. He lost his boyfriend, who did not like the idea of him having intimate relations with a woman. The end result has been bad for everyone. He sends money home ever month. He has not returned to the village since the child was born and has slowly resumed the life he had. His daughter will never have the kind of father his parents had in mind. His wife is now "spoiled" and will never be able to marry again, even though she is not yet thirty. The whole story is tragic and so unnecessary. Try your best to make Lin understand that the world has changed since his parents were married. This kind tradition has no place in this century. He needs to understand that he has a choice, and that he can refuse as long as he makes it clear to his parents that he means no disrespect. (Maybe a new refrigerator would be a great consolation prize.) They may reject him if he has the strength to refuse. However, you are his family now and your relationship seems to still have a promising future. Ultimately, the decision is Lin's. However, be prepared for the impending wedding. You can take the high road, attend the wedding, and become an uncle some day. However, I would not blame you if you told Lin clearly that he would be closing the door on you and your relationship for good if he marries. The more important thing you should be thinking about right now is what you will do when he gives up and wants to return to you. Or worse, when he doesn't. Good luck! Love, Darika
Dear Darika, My partner and I are an iconic couple, well known and respected in the community. We are both very social and love to entertain. While we both have a few friends that are mostly our own, we have a wide circle of friends and acquaintances who we share. We are, and have been for more than ten years, a single unit, Siamese twins, The Borg. We are always invited and celebrated as a couple. The only things that do not overlap in our lives are our careers. Both of us seem to have come to the same conclusion simultaneously that we no longer want to be together. We have discussed this like adults and realize we will always be best friends. Neither of us has a "boyfriend" that is pushing us to separate. We are both too busy for that. We have simply grown in different directions and feel that our relationship is placing limits on both of us. One of our biggest concerns is the impact that our split will have on all of those friends we have. We have seen similar relationships come to an end and the result is a tug of war between friends. Some remain loyal to one person, while others shun him. We have seen bitterness, ugliness, rejection and drama. Dividing our material possessions is not an issue. We do not have a weekend home or a dog to fight over, and we are both reasonably secure financially. Darling Darika, we need your help to find a creative way to end it all peacefully. Gentle readers, Thank you for your thoughtful letter. Darika congratulates you on the mature way you are handling an issue that most couples do not deal with at all until it spirals out of control into chaos and bitterness. Thankfully, I have not had to experience this trauma. With a few early exceptions, all of mine have simply died of old age, leaving me to fight only with their progeny through our lawyers over the spoils of their estates. I sense you want to end your partnership on a high note that will be a crowd pleaser and that the end result will be that you are invited to the same parties, dinners, and weekends at the beach. The best way to keep all of your friends is to involve them in the process. My suggestion is that you celebrate your separation ("divorce" is such an ugly word) as you would a wedding. This could even be fun. Make a list of all of the friends you mention, set a date for your "uncoupling" and send out invitations to an unmarriage ceremony. Darika would be willing to preside if you cannot find anyone else. This will cause an avalanche of telephone calls and emails (not because of Darika, of course), which will give you the opportunity to tell your friends that you both love them equally and that this is not necessarily a sad occasion. You will need a best man and a maid of honor to stand with you and organize both a bridal shower and a naughty bachelor party for each of you. All of your friends should be invited to all of these festive events, although you should not attend each other's. Gifts are optional but should be encouraged. One of you is going to need a new blender, so why not? And a honeymoon? Darika fondly remembers her divorce trip with Louis Enrique Mendez de Hermossillo in 1975. It was my first big break-up. The two of us went on a camping tip in a redwood forest of Northern California, and both had a great time. It cemented our friendship, and we went our separate ways remembering that the time we had together was priceless and that we would always be friends. He died of HIV in 1980 and I wore black for months. All of that said, Darika hopes you are prepared for the great possibility that you may, after all of this is behind you, find that you are still in love, and that you are open to the possibility that you might find your time apart unbearable. Fortunately, Darika's editor does not mind run-on sentences any more than she minds presiding at divorce ceremonies that ultimately bring two good people back together. If I were your mother I would tell you that big love transcends all differences. But why listen to me? I'm just an old drag queen with a lot of dead husbands who often invade her dreams. I wish I could have some time back with each of them. I suspect both of you will as well. Love, Darika
Dear Darika
Dear Darika, I have been dating a gorgeous underwear model for about three months now, and the sex has been outstanding, yet he cannot hold a decent conversation. His problem is intellectual rather than linguistic and seems to lack any emotion. Do I tell him to shut his mouth and just continue in this shallow relationship, where i am having the best sex of my 42 year old life, or find something more meaningful, so I feel less shallow?
Precious Reader,
P.S. Have you asked him how you rate with him?  Hi Darika,
Dear Jason,
Hi Darika,
A guy and I are best friends since we were eight. We went to the same schools.
We both knew we were gay from the start, so we always depend on each in many
ways.
We have never been in serious relationships. We like sex a lot. Even with each
other long time ago. But now we like
farang, and we usually dating two or three guys at the same time.
When one of us meets a guy and we begin to spend time together the other does
his best to steal the guy away. It is a fun game we play with each other and we
always laugh together when we are finished.
Now I met someone new and the game started again. Nop slept with him already on
the first week and they are still having sex sometimes. But I am in love with
this guy and I feel really serious that I want to marry him. My problem is that
Nop has feelings for my boyfriend also. I can already see big problems between
Nop and me. How to get out of this?
Love, Bop
Your story is missing some crucial facts. Does the farang
know that you and Nop are friends? Does he know that you know you are
both sleeping with him? You also say nothing about how your "boyfriend" feels
towards either of you. If he is still screwing Nop I doubt that he has the same
serious feelings about you that you have for him. Assuming the worst, he is
playing his own game with both of you. (Karma, darling.)
The first sentence of this reply was originally "Dump him." But now that I have
thought about it I really do not see why you need to change anything except your
attitude, which is competitive and greedy. Mr. No-Name seems to be happy with
both of you and you both seem to be happy with him. Why not share? And
considering your history, my dear, you will both probably soon tire of him and
move along to the next farang anyway.
When you feel the time is right to settle down, you should marry Nop. You are
perfect for each other. You are indeed
faad Siam .
I just recently started to date this guy and he is really sweet and everything
but we don't talk a whole lot, its not because we dont want to but we dont know
what to talk about. Could you please give us some topics or questions to talk
about to each other?
Thanks for sharing your issue with Darika. Your problem is probably more common
than you realize. I occasionally read of couples to do not have conversations
for years, often ending in a bloody murder. Just as often I have read about
someone who has murdered his or her spouse because they will not shut up.
As you probably know, Darika has had vast experience in the world of dating. The
men in my life have ranged from the silent type to my current love, Mister
Chatterbox. I love it that he has something to say and speaks his mind freely.
In the case of the silent ones, we had little to say to each other because, for
the most part, other things were a lot more interesting than conversation. These
fellows were typically good at one thing only, and it was not chit-chat. As I
age, however, I realize how much more I appreciate a guy who has something to
say, which is usually evidence of a functional brain.
You have not really said whether you think your current dilemma is caused by one
or both of you. If you have come to recognize that you are not the great
conversationalist you thought you were, you still have time to learn. Perhaps
nobody is better at conversation than those who make their living interviewing
other people on television. Some years ago, Barbara Walters wrote a wonderful
book entitled
How To Talk To Anyone About Practically Anything. More recently, Larry
King wrote
How to Talk to Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere: The Secrets of Good Communication.
Darika recommends that you read one or both.
Giving you a list of things to talk about (the weather? baseball?) and things to
avoid (religion? politics?) will not help you at all. Being a good
conversationalist begins with being a good listener. The truth is, everyone's
favorite topic of conversation is themselves. Look back at some of the most
wonderful talks you have had you will probably realize that the conversation was
mostly about you and that the other person was an attentive listener who asked
good questions and showed a genuine interest in you.
Perhaps you should set your relationship on a new path by showing a genuine
interest in each other. You should, of course talk about your favorite
topic--each other. Learn everything you can about him by asking him questions.
Read the newspaper together and ask what his opinions are. However, Darika warns
you that you might be disappointed. You could ultimately learn that he really
has nothing to say and he might turn out to be one of those guys who is good at
one thing only, and it ain't talking. Our would that be such a disappointment at
all?
Love, Darika
Dear Miss Darika,
My boyfriend (he is also Malaysian) and I have been together for about three
years. We are both busy professional people. Sam (not a real name) has a job
that requires him to travel away from home about 50% of the time. Lately he has
been traveling quite a bit, so we try to spend as much time together when he is
here. We both enjoy swimming, shopping and movies. He has always been quite
enjoyable to be with. Sam left three days ago.
He said he was going to Singapore for four days for his business.
Not long after he left someone was knocking on the
door. Outside was a very handsome guy about my age. His t-shirt fit him quite
snugly and it was obvious he spent a lot of time at the gym. He stared at me and
said nothing for a long time. He looked very serious. Finally he said "You are
my boyfriend's other boyfriend. I wanted to see who you are."
I invited him inside.
He explained to me that he had known Sam for about two
years and that they lived together only a few km from here. He became suspicious
about Sam's frequent trips when Sam's passport did not have many stamps. He paid
one of his friends to follow Sam to our/my apartment.
There is more. He also learned that Sam also has a
wife and small baby in Kuala Lumpur and his friend discovered where they live.
He is with them now.
This news made me very upset, of course. At first I
shouted at this visitor and I said some really terrible things to him. He did
not react the same way. Unbelievable, he spoke softly to make me calm.
Eventually I began to cry. I was hysterical. He put his arm around me to comfort
me. It did not take very long before our clothes were off and we comforted each
other quite well. I have to admit that it was stupendous. I can think of nothing
but him for the past two days. Last night he phoned me to make sure I am alright
and he is thinking of me as well. He wants to see me again soon.
Sam will return tomorrow. What can I do?
Dear Donnie,
Confrontation is the easiest solution, of course. Wouldn't it be
delicious for Sam to return home and find both of you waiting together? However,
Darika pleads with you to consider your other options calmly. It is obvious that
"Sam" plays an important role in your life. It is also clear that the other
boyfriend considers him important or he would not have bothered to visit you.
Two or three years is a long time for a gay relationship to last, so part of it
may be worth saving. Consider this... When Sam returns, try not to
behave badly or let him know that you know what he has been doing. Tell him you
had a very bad day at work and that you have a terrible headache and want to be
left alone. Give yourself some time to get hold of yourself and to think
carefully about whether or not you want to end your relationship. You did not
say you are finished with him, so I am not sure if this is an option for you or
not.
The next time Sam plans to be away, phone the other boyfriend. If Sam plans to
visit the wife and kid, you have the perfect opportunity to continue to comfort
each other. Sooner or later Sam will be the suspicious one. If you and the spare
boyfriend plan to continue your own relationship, the three of you may even be
able to come to a creative solution that does not involve deceit.
Do not bother Sam's wife. (How do you know they are married
anyway?) If she is any smarter than Sam's two boyfriends she will use her own
creativity to protect herself and her child. Maybe you could all live together
in a big house in the suburbs.
Dear Darika, Some months
ago I met a young man who works in a go-go bar and fell in love with him. We
recently traveled together on holiday. Before we parted he gave me the letter
below. I am not sure what to think about it. What is your advice?
-- Bertie Dear Bertie,
Those who have read the classics remember the
story in Homer's
Odyssey about the isle of the Sirens. The songs of the nymphs on this
island were so magical that sailors smashed their ships into the rocks. To pass
safely, Ulysses filled his sailors' ears with wax and tied them to the masts. It
seems you have met a modern-day nymph whose song is very strong.
It is universally understood that people of
this young man's profession provide sex and the illusion of love and affection
in exchange for money. The luckiest of them may from time to time meet one or
more gentlemen who request more than just one night of pleasure. This becomes a
financial opportunity for them and for their families, and sometimes even an
opportunity to travel. Darika makes no secret of the fact that she knows many
such young men and has found herself helping them from time to time. Unlike many
other Westerners, however, I do not do this to "save" them because I do not
object to prostitution as long as people are not forced to do this work against
their will.
While stories like yours are told daily in
Thailand. (Darika has heard every possible version.) I can not help but find
myself somewhat outraged by the letter you received. Is it clear to you yet that
the letter is all about him and nothing about you? Did he tell you how wonderful
you are? How caring? How generous? Or what a wonderful companion you are? While
he professed his love, he offered nothing, yet asked for a lot.
Darika must admit that she finds the entire
matter of abstaining from sex to be somewhat insidious in several respects. He
has managed to take advantage of your generosity without performing any of the
obligations that you probably intended him to perform during your holiday
together. At the end he reconciled this as some kind of a test. If you had known
from the beginning that you were being tested you might have made different
choices. This was a childishly cruel and dishonest thing for him to do. There is
no suggestion from him that this no-sex arrangement will ever change, yet he
implies that he expects you be his and his alone.
Your friend's use of drugs is alarming. Drugs
are, of course, illegal in Thailand. In some cases the penalty for possession of
drugs is death. Aside from the obvious health implications for your friend and
the fact that you may be unwittingly sponsoring his drug use, you could be in a
great deal of danger if the police find you in the company of anyone who has
drugs in his possession. If this young man really has an addiction problem do
you think he is going to tell you the truth about quitting? (Darika lied to her
boyfriend for months about her tobacco addiction but was finally caught in the
act. He was angry and disappointed with my dishonesty and I was embarrassed. No
more Havanas for me, darling!)
Whether or not you have a future with this
young man depends entirely on your needs and expectations and I suggest that you
examine those very carefully. Long distance relationships practically never
succeed, so you face multiple challenges. Darika shares your love for beauty and
youth. When we are with a handsome young man we bask in those things as if they
will magically rub off on us in some small way. There are plenty of decorative
young men in Thailand to perform that service, and they may be replaced at will.
However, if it is a loving, committed relationship you are looking for, this
would be a good time to fill your ears with wax.
Dear Darika,
I am 24 years old and my boy friend is 27 years old, we are not living together
but practice monogamous relationship.
Of course i need to worry since there are none of my friends can keep their
relationship to last. For me, gay relationship is fragile.
Khun Sombong,
Congratulations for keeping a monogamous relationship. That is difficult for
most men, especially at your age. You are right that gay relationships are
fragile. There is no pressure from society, religion or law to stay together. If
you want your relationship to last a long time the key is probably honesty and
communication. It is OK to disagree as long as you both understand that
disagreement does not spell the end of a relationship. Never go to bed angry.
Never stop writing love letters. Give him little gifts for no reason. Remember
that it is better to show someone that you love them then tell them. Take things
one day at a time and enjoy every day you have together. Just remember that
diamonds are forever, but nothing else is. After all, we all change with time
and need different things. In 1968 Darika bought a beautiful new Volvo (which I
named "Becky"). It was the loveliest car I ever saw and I vowed to keep her
shiny and new forever. I washed Becky every Saturday, kept her in a garage at
night, and made sure the oil was changed regularly. After about twenty years,
however, I realized that it was just a junky old car. I bought a new Jaguar and
gave the Volvo away. That Volvo gave me a lot of wonderful memories
(particularly with Sven, my mechanic, who loved to help me test the parking
brake at night). So I guess my best advice to you is that you should get as many
miles as you can out of the sporty car your are driving now but keep in mind
that the newer models look better and better every year.
Kisses and good luck, Darika
Dear Darika, Dear Happiguy,
You are not the first, nor will you probably be the last to describe this
kind of problem and ask for Darika's advice. I have even been asked to intercede
from time to time, to translate love letters, make sure the tuition is paid for
the English classes, to see that a passport is issued and even to pay for the
boyfriend's girlfriend's abortion. I hope you can bear Darika's candid advice.
Status is a fundamental value in Thailand, so you are quite a prize for both
your young friend and his family. Nobody is probably as concerned about the
strain that this is putting on you financially or emotionally as you are.
Parents expect their adult children to provide for them. Everyone expects your
generosity to be limitless. Why shouldn't mom take the TV when she knows you buy
a new one for the boy? Why shouldn't she ask for a new refrigerator or a
motorbike? If you can afford the rent, you can afford a fridge. If you can
afford a refrigerator, you can afford a car. Ten thousand baht a month is
really quite a bit of money. How much happiness are you buying for $300? Have
you considered the possibility that you may not be the only foreigner paying him
an allowance? And since the young man no longer needs to work, what is he doing
with his time? Is he making the most of it to improve his life? If you really do
love him and really do feel miserable when he is "in a jam" (e.g., irresponsible
with the rent money), have you considered insisting that he take a little
responsibility for his own life? There is nothing dishonorable about working for
7-Eleven or Burger King. And for many Thais, there is also nothing dishonorable
about working in a go-go bar. A foreigner who wants to "save" someone from this
kind of work is imposing his own moral values where they do not belong and may
subconsciously attempting to wash away his own guilt for having paid for sex.
When your friend jokes about returning to his previous occupation, he is
undoubtedly manipulating you because he understands that his former place of
work is evil to most Westerners. Darika is not ashamed to say that she was
once in your situation long ago before she made her permanent home in Asia. The
boy's mum suddenly had cancer. The family cow died. He needed 25,000 baht
(twice!) to avoid military service. On my regular visits, I redeemed the same
gold necklace from the same pawn shop half a dozen times. Then there were the
tearful long distance pleas for cash in the middle of the night, charges
reversed. Clearly Darika was just a bag of money with big hair. Ultimately I
decided that keeping what little self respect I had left was more important than
keeping this "boyfriend."
Darika has never seen a happy ending to a story like yours. Your friend and his
family will survive if you cut him loose tomorrow. After you have a big cry, I
suspect you will feel no less loved than you feel now. I am sorry if this advice
shatters your illusions about your relationship. However, Darika suspects you
had already figured this out for yourself anyway. Good luck!
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